Episode 17- Coming out of the closet?

 

Please, leave a comment or email me: eric@giftednessrevealed.com

It has been a busy time for me lately, as is often the case. I am currently in San Diego attending a very intense 10-week counseling course. It only started last week, but it has been grueling so far.

I shouldn’t be staying up this late to write this now, but when I got back to my hotel tonight I had an email that I just could not ignore. After reading it I just had to respond, and after responding I just thought that it was something that others might be dealing with at this moment too, and so I thought I’d just share it.

Here is an excerpt from the email received. Below is my response.

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Eric

Hey, this is Joyce. I haven’t written to you in a while.

I’ve been going though some stuff, so I thought I’d write you. I am a little confused. The more I read about giftedness, the more I become convinced that this is my reality. And, yet, I don’t see myself as smart enough to be gifted. I mean, “Where’s the fruit?” But, then again, that’s a common thread from what I read. I don’t know if I like this condition. I seem to have all the drawbacks, but none of the benefits. Maybe, it’s because I’m not a fully-actualized gifted person yet. I have felt different from a very young age, not just because of this, but now I know that this is a major part. I have been hiding myself, because I just get this sense that no-one gets me. It probably started when I was younger, and, because I didn’t understand it, I felt rejected / freakish. So, I shut it down.

I want to know how to express myself more. I have concluded that I just need to do, think, and feel (appropriately, of course), without really caring about anybody’s reaction or lack of response. I’m starting to do that more. I don’t really want to play it safe anymore. I want to be fully myself. Sometimes, I really want to challenge the status quo, to, figuratively, get in people’s faces. Is that okay? Normal for giftedness? I’m new to this stuff.

Ok, but I don’t know if I want to see a counselor about all of this. I just wanted to know your thoughts.

Yours truly,

Joyce

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My response:

Joyce,

Wow. Did you read my mind today? I have been thinking of literally the same things, and dealing with those kinds of issues this very day. Wild.

I like how you put it: “having all the drawbacks with none of the benefits”. That made me giggle. I am not sure what “proof” you are looking for exactly. High grades in school? Lots of achievements? The ability to finish a crossword puzzle in under two minutes? Many gifted people fall into that trap, and find themselves in one of two camps: 1. They try to fill the shelf with trophies to “prove” their giftedness, or 2. they question whether or not they are gifted at all.

Here is an excerpt from an article I use frequently for this issue:

“When we look for talents instead of giftedness, the lens is focused on what individuals can do rather than on who they are in their totality. This perspective diminishes our capacity to grasp the dynamic inner experience of the gifted Self.” (Silverman, L.K. (1998) Through the lens of giftedness. Roeper Review, 20, 204-210.)

As the above suggests, its all in how you define it (and yourself). The fact is that very few of us are living Einsteins, enjoying the limelight and renown of our genius. Most of us, like you pointed out, are not super-genius. We’re just a little above the upper average. Even a shift of 10 points on the IQ scale dramatically affects a person’s personality and outlook.

Now, I said earlier that I am experiencing similar issues along with you. I’m happy to share with you that for the past several days I have been contemplating how I might be able to share my dirty little secret with the rest of my classmates in the next group therapy session. This would be a major event for me because I have never successfully told anyone that I am gifted that was not in the mental health field and already knew what the word meant, and that I felt sure would understand what I was saying. Essentially what I am saying is that I have never had the boldness and faith to take that risk.

That is the real issue for me. I have 10 weeks to spend with these 11 people, and it is only day #5. I want to be part of the group. I need their help in many ways to get through this very tough course. I also want and need their approval. This is a deep, deep need of mine that I have had since time began for me! But how do I do it?

Here is what I have learned recently that is helping me to tackle this issue. First of all, I have been looking for the “perfect” way to tell them. I want to craft my words just right, and take every step to minimize confusion and maximize the optimal outcome. The problem with this, however, is that I am trying to control things that are completely out of my control. No matter how much effort I put into it, I cannot control how others are going to hear or interpret my words. I cannot control how my words will make them feel, and I cannot control how they will feel or think about me. That is their process, and only something they can control. Understanding this enables me to see just how much I was trying to manipulate people into liking me before. By putting on my “acceptable” mask and playing the part that everyone felt comfortable with, I was essentially manipulating them into liking me- only the person they were liking wasn’t the real me, and they weren’t really liking me in a genuine way. I have been doing this since at least the second grade. It is the principal reason why I have less than 10 genuine true-blue friends to this day.

Secondly, I have been asking myself a lot of questions, like what is my need to reveal this about myself? What are my expectations if I share this about myself? Do I need to use the word “gifted” in order to be fully known and understood? How much is this about my ego? What am I afraid of?

My need to reveal this about myself is that I want to feel free to share my whole self, not just the socially acceptable parts. I also have a need for acceptance and love that has been lacking nearly all of my life because of the long history of the misplacement of being in the conventional classroom as a gifted child and adult.

My expectations when I first wrote this were ridiculously idealistic (what else?). I fantasized a rosy scene of me talking about giftedness in our group and using examples from my own life to illustrate the lesson. I saw the whole group freely accepting me and asking questions of interest. I gladly played the role of teacher. I even saw the head instructor suggest that I give a brief lesson later so that we all could have some basic training for if we ever encounter a gifted patient! It sounds silly, but that’s the brutal honest truth of what I wanted to have happen. Unfortunately, not only can I not make that come true, but I have no guarantee that they will not act hostile toward me, resent me for “bragging” about myself, or ostracize me from the group, which is pretty much what I am afraid of.

But looking closer at those fears is the secret to this issue.

If I am open and honest with myself, completely in touch with who and what I am, free of the insecurity and egotism that is always lurking to pervert my giftedness into something it is not meant to be, I must recognize the incongruence of my concern over what these people will think of me. If I am fully myself, I do not carry that weight around. It is not my concern what other people think of me. That is their concern.

“Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and that is all I really have.” Powell, J. (1999) Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?  Harper Collins. Great Britain.

That is often the sad truth for me, and overcoming this has not been easy for me as I have been working through it. The bottom line is that it is a risk to step out and tell others about myself. As the late President John F. Kennedy once said, “…there are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long term risks of comfortable inaction.”

I know what hiding in my little shell has gotten me all these years. I cannot expect to get any other results if I just keep doing what I’ve always done. If I want to effect change, I must take this step and let the chips fall where they may.

Doing so, I am convinced, is the most important step in becoming fully myself.

However, before I run off and announce to the world my mighty powers of gifted greatness (sarcasm heavily added for effect), I do have to realize that prudence and responsibility are necessary ingredients in this issue. There remains the fact that society at large tends to celebrate genius only when it is fully realized, but burns it in effigy in any other situation. So, I must once again consider my expectations and make the decision whether or not I can achieve my goals of being fully myself without going into territory likely to cause conflict. We all must choose our battles in every situation, culture, and environment that we live and work in. I practice living assertively as often as I can, but there are times when I must temper my words, bite my tongue, or simply just smile and nod in order to avoid unnecessary conflict.

And I have other concerns as well. I mean, I wonder what will “being fully myself” look like? Will I like what I see? Will I know how to act? Will I run and hide behind my suit of armor the first time someone says something that sounds resentful? Will I retreat into my hole like the groundhog seeing his shadow? Or will I have the courage to keep on being myself, knowing that I may not have many friends at first, but those that I do make will have the distinct privilege and pleasure of knowing the real Eric?

I haven’t completely answered all of my questions yet, Joyce, but writing this to you has helped me clarify a few things. Thank you for the opportunity. I hope my experience somehow helped you in your journey toward acceptance and freedom. I cannot guarantee any outcome, nor the efficacy of anything I suggested above. If there is one thing that I can guarantee, however, it is that we as a community need to be there to support one another as we all struggle with this in some form.

I am truly glad that you wrote me tonight.

Please, keep in touch.

Love,

Eric